A little Honesty

I want to take a minute to be really honest with you all. For the past 9 months I have went through depths of depression and despair that I never knew existed. Honestly, I have always been someone who tries to see good, during this time however I felt hopeless. I have always been the type of person who could just change my mind and this time I couldn't. I sat alone, or so it felt. Even when I met with people I just couldn't connect. I began to get angry that no one saw this in me. If I would not have had Jackson and Judah I am not sure that I would have even gotten out of bed most days. I would go days in my pajamas and without showers.I just didn't care.

I remember one day my sweet next door neighbor saying to me "change your clothes girl." For anyone who knows me, this is NOT normal. I love getting dressed up and I love make up and clothes. I have since I was a wee little girl.

During this time I became VERY disciplined in reading my bible and praying. I really always have spent time in the word daily but it became a necessity as I felt I had no strength to get through the day.I lost my father in January, left our church in March, and moved into a new house (which had major mold problems) in June. I felt as though I lost most of what was dear to me. In this time, in complete brokenness of the soul, the Lord Jesus tenderly ministered to me. He was not rough. He did not command me to get back to work, He did not bludgeon me with scripture,  rather He beckoned me to His throne of grace, He taught me of His faithfulness, He showed me that even when I lost everything He was still there and He was still GOOD, that He will never leave me or forsake me. I am sure that you can imagine in a pit of despair when no one is helping you out the thoughts that you can have. He extended massive amounts of Grace. He walked with me, lets be real, He carried me through the valley.

Nine months has passed since my dad left this earth. I miss him greatly!! I long for the day that I see him again and everything that was wrong will be made right. Thanks to the precious bond that we have in Jesus. My husband and I have found a wonderful bible teaching church. Honestly when we first started attending I just cried through the sermons. Thanking God for truth and purity of His word and the anointing of the pastor to teach our hungry souls. God moved us out of the moldy house and hand provided a home that we will be moving into very soon, our loan has gone through and we close tomorrow!!!

It as  feel as though I have walked through the dessert or a valley. I am just on the edge of it looking back to the precious things that I learned. I have to honestly say that I have learned that joy and peace come only through the Lord Jesus Christ.Our souls can only be fully satisfied in him. As we learn more and more that this world hold nothing for us we begin to let go, pry our fingers off and say to the Father " What do YOU want with my life? It is yours".

Choosing Gratitude

Well folks we are all moved out of the mold infested house all snuggled into ONE Bedroom as we patiently wait to move into our new house. We have been here for two nights. Both nights I have been woken up by the cat and dog who are also in our room, Judah losing his pacifier,  Jackson afraid the storm, and kids arguing as they woke up early and the younger (Judah) is trying to escape.

If I'm honest, and I'm going to be, I woke up weary and tired this morning. I got out of bed with a little extra grump in my step. Mostly half asleep I stumbled and grumbled down the steps...trying to quiet the littles and the dog so they don't wake up everyone in the house. As I'm getting their milk for their cereal I shut the fridge door  just a little harder than I need to. Jackson and Judah 2 bites into their cereal need to use the potty and I am in straight cold self pity mode. I lead the littles upstairs trying to keep them quiet and help Judah onto the potty and there on the Holy ground of grunt motherhood I hear that still small voice  and He humbles me..."choose to be grateful today".

Suddenly I think wow!!! I am really blessed. I have a wonderful place to live with very precious friends whom eagerly opened up their home to us, Salvation!!!, three healthy happy children, life and breath, a good marriage, my health, a beautiful home that we just bought, and truly the list goes on.......and on!! More and more I see this work being cultivated in my soul. Truly I can say the more you choose to be grateful in EVERY situation giving thanks to God and rejoicing always, the more content you are in this life.

There are days that I hold on to my complaints and discontentment longer but I cling to this promise...
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6