Within the last few weeks it feels as though my heart has been wrenched. I stood before 30 or more people and shared testimony of what God is doing in my life. We usually think of testimonies as being heart warming and life changing moments, but mine has been riddled with pain, and in certain moments, confusion.
You see, early on in my walk with Christ, I remember being faced with a decision. I could choose to live by His precious Grace sustaining me or I could to live by the law. I remember people wanted me to change so badly. Heck, I've felt that way about others...but they were not okay with the "process", or how much of a mess it was. I walked into the church a MESS...let's rephrase that, A HOT MESS!!! One thing I can tell you though is that I was in deep love with Jesus my Lord and Savior. My heart was so tender to His refining touch. I wanted, NO, I Needed Him to change me. People were amazed at how quickly I grew in the knowledge of the bible...and they expected maturity from me as a babe in the Lord. Which again, is not a bad thing...It's just hard when you really are trying to follow Christ and those around keep telling you it's not good enough.
So I screwed up, BIG!! I had been gossiped about...meaning Church leaders were discussing their deep concern for my life. I remember the Lord giving me a vision of whom had started the fire. Those morsels of gossip caused deep pain and confusion. In complete and utter hurt, I began attending a different church. I never stopped reading my bible, I never stopped praying and seeking His will for my life. But, in my leaving I had broken relationships. It weighed heavily on my soul. When I returned to the church I became the prized pupil. I did everything that was expected of me and more. It seemed to gain me alot of acceptance...It wasn't that hard really, Other than.... I had to quiet the Holy Spirit and listen to Mans voice. Truly isn't that what we all want? ACCEPTANCE!! What price are you willing to pay to have it? What might someone ask you to give up in order to receive it?
A few months into this I remember sitting down for my morning devotional time and receiving a rhema word from the Lord. He gave me this from Revelation 2:4..Nina, return to your first love and do the things you did at first!!! That seemed scary to me though. To trust and rely on His spirit and grace. I had done that. People had gotten upset with me. They had rejected me. So I was discipled to listen to man. I continued on in this for years. Man gaining more and more of my life. Me losing more and more of my self...not in the good way.
Then something happened. Deep incredible hurt and betrayal from man wounding both my husband and I. Rendering us paralyzed. Funny thing is, during this time we heard things like, "you shouldn't put man on a pedestal, Maybe I was an idol in your life, if your not listening to leadership then you are rebelling, hide the stuff you are going through because people need someone to follow." When this hurt entered into our lives it exposed just how desperate a need for Jesus Christ we actually had. You see, we aren't good people...but we are people who cling to the Lord. I laid down my list of legalisms that I could check to see just how very good I was doing and I chose to cling. People turned their backs on us, friends, BROTHERS!! There we were, alone and in pain. When you go through, deep soul searing pain, lists and legalisms and mans approval, just don't seem to cut it. The careful cookie cutter christian mirage faded. It meant nothing to me anymore.
So my testimony, I laid down caring what man thinks of me. I've been asked by my Savior if I am willing to follow Him to the ends of the earth, If I am willing to follow Him at any and all cost. My answer is YES LORD!! Whatever I might lose is nothing in comparison to what I will gain. My life will NOT be pristine it will be messy as I follow MY Savior who died and poured out His BLOOD to save His people. So I am saying GOODBYE to christian culture and HELLO TO LIFE ABUNDANT HIDDEN IN CHRIST JESUS!! Maybe as many of the Pharisees had to do...I will leave you with these words...Be careful with one another, you are dealing with hearts and souls.
No comments:
Post a Comment